rust
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for quite some time, i’ve found myself feeling joy, but never without the sense of responsibility. i’m currently sitting at a cafe in new zealand, next to a group of older gals who are dressed in floral clothing and carrying flowers. my hair is in a messy, loose braid, the sky is overcast, and i find myself, as i so often do while sitting outside a cafe in a foreign country, feeling a thousand and one emotions. in the past couple years, i’ve experienced love, betrayal, joy, hardship, excitement, sadness, hope, fear, and curiosity, more than i have at any point in my life. it’s been beautiful and challenging and overwhelming in the best possible way.
rust is a song that, through everything, has offered me a quiet moment of peace and understanding…the song’s floating synths, ethereal vocals, and honest lyrics cradle me and remind me to take a deep breath. listening to this song feels like when you’re standing in a huge crowd of people, surrounded by sweaty bodies, deafening music, and sticky floors, but then you grab hold of your best friend’s hand and look into their eyes, and all of a sudden, it’s just you and them - their quiet voice, amidst the chaos, is all you can hear. it’s a safe, comfortable, and very gentle kind of love. one where you feel heard and understood.
i’m thankful to travel, experience the world, and live life as i do. i love exploring every country, trying every food once, being in a band with my best friends, learning how to make sourdough and snowboard as an adult, dancing late into the night, and waking up early for the farmers’ market. it’s all so beautiful, until it becomes everything all at once and you look up to find you’ve lost your balance and, with the opposite intention, pushed away the things you love most in this world. you’re holding on to it all with such conviction, despite being overwhelmed and despite understanding that, in holding on to joy and fun so tightly, you’ve lost your peace. you look up and notice that everything has begun to rust, and you face the intimidating fact that you must loosen your grip on life and release certain ideas and ways of being to regain balance, more deeply appreciate life, and be free.
i connect so deeply with this song, as it sings a tune that, to me, describes this bittersweet struggle. letting go is one of the most beautiful and terrible human experiences. in so many situations, i’ve found myself holding on to certain elements of my life, grasping, gripping, with every ounce of strength in my body and heart, even when my mind and gut are telling me to let go and prioritize peace. this applies to relationships, friendships, hobbies, routines…i’ll fight and make excuses and wait for these things to find a way, until my bones break, until the sun sets, until it has all turned to rust.
that said, i’ve learned that letting go is often the most selfless form of love. truly releasing your attachment to a way of life or something you love requires immense strength, and a natural part of changing or letting something go is resistance. “do i really need to let this go to move forward in life? is it right to walk away? should i give this more time? maybe if i wait a bit longer, things will get better? maybe my circumstances will change? maybe this is all in my head?” i recently found myself in this swirl of questioning, and two of my closest friends offered advice i’ll carry with me for the rest of my life. andy told me that sometimes, you outgrow your life to the point of pain, and that is when you know making a change isn’t just beneficial, but entirely necessary. kylie told me that when circumstances arrive at this point, and even before they do, if you move through life with love and strength, you should always trust your judgement.
so. if you’re like me and you’re fighting your head and heart to accept the life you built for yourself that no longer serves you, know that i see you. know that you are not alone. i know how powerfully you hold those habits, relationships, and environments. your fears and grief are tremendous, but your love is bigger. so don’t hold on to a life that has lost your trust once it begins to rust. meet your cluttered mind and its scattered priorities with patience and grace. know that your desire to hold on is borne of love and is not a weakness. and believe, with endless conviction, that you can let go of anything that isn’t serving you to move forward and start over. again. and again. and again.
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“fight to dust
let our bones interrupt
wait for dusk
feel my touch
wait for rust
feel my touch…
what if i wait for you
what if you walk for me
what if i wait for you
what do you want from me”
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source: nicholas semansky added breathing by ben böhmer, nils hoffman, and malou, to a shared playlist back in 2022, and i quickly followed with moments - ben böhmer & nils hoffmann remix by kidnap, leo stannard, ben böhmer, and nils hoffmann. i’m not sure if i already knew ben böhmer prior to this, but i know that 2021 and 2022 were the years i discovered my love for melodic house after listening to more music from artists like lane 8, elderbrook, and sultan + shepard.
